Meet Karen Screamer. I met her while walking by my local Hands Off rally. She was holding an “Elon Sux” placard in the middle of Main Street. She’s a big one, making it difficult to navigate the sidewalk around her. She recognized me from my media presence which caused her to lapse into histrionic convulsions and loud inaudible screeching. I was frozen like Elmer Fudd confronted by the Tasmanian Devil. I thought perhaps she was speaking in tongues, but then I saw the pentagram tattoo on her forehead. Thinking quickly, I pulled a silver cross out of my pocket, flashed it in front of her and she cooled down. I told her she was too angry and agitated to engage in civil discourse, but being the open-minded gentleman I am, I would give her the opportunity to put her thoughts in writing and share them with the world over my social media platforms. I’m a First Amendment absolutist, and happy to hear other viewpoints.
WHY I PROTEST, by Karen Screamer
Before I, like, launch into the main thrust of this article, I must…. like, do a land acknowledgment. To clear my conscience, I’d like to acknowledge the Powhatan Indian tribe whose land I have by proxy stolen. Well, like, except for my 1974 Subaru and Mama Cass albums, I don’t, like…., own anything, but my Neanderthal parents definitely stole Native American land! Sure, the Indians didn’t have a deed to any land in Virginia, but that’s only because they didn’t have a written language or any concept of private property since the Department of Education wasn’t there to teach them how to read or instruct them how to think. They lived in peace before the NAZI Mayflower pilgrims landed in Jamestown and made all the natives wear yellow Star of Davids on their loincloths. Sure, they constantly warred with other tribes, raped their women and enslaved their captives, but that was all caused by European climate change. Climate anxiety is real! Sure, they were feral in nature and lived a mostly nomadic life, regularly relocating their campsites to follow wild game, but the only reason they didn’t build great cities like New York was because Europeans had stolen all the world’s wealth. Besides coming to America in the first place, let’s not forget the Jamestown settlers’ most horrendous crime. These Christian Nationalists founded the first college (Henricus) in America where one of its primary missions was to educate the Powhatan natives and introduce them to Christianity! Ethno-centric terrorism! Thankfully, the Indians massacred all the teachers and townspeople during a sneak attack thus ending this terrible 4-year reign of white supremacy. They deserve reparations. Hey, Ho, Western Civ Has Got To Go!
Whew, now that I’ve cleared my conscience and like gotten my apologies off my chest, I’ll move on to the subject of my article, but first I think it’s important to remind everybody to “save democracy” by painting swastikas on private property and beating up old ladies driving Teslas. If you are so stupid that you don’t understand the nexus between destroying private property of random unknown people and the struggle against Project 2025 than you are a fuc#king racist, NAZI, fascist, colonizer and should be lined up and shot. How in the world is eliminating $1 trillion of fraud from Social Security going to like help those dependent on Social Security? The head cheerleader and prom queen at my high school went to Elon, a real preppy school. I hated her, and I hate Elon University. So please, grab the nearest embittered, frumpy 60-year-old white woman (and her emasculated husband) and scream infantile chants in front of a Tesla dealership! Remember the best way to save democracy from the NAZIS is to walk around with hundreds of NAZI flags and behave like NAZIS!
Now, to the purpose of my article. But hold on, just thinking about Elon and those pretty stuck-up girls walking to class in sun dresses gets me triggered. I’m going to run to my medicine cabinet, take my anti-depressants and put my N95 face mask on.
OK, I’m back. I don’t feel completely safe, but I feel better.
I would be remiss if before launching into my article I didn’t mention the Trans Day of Visibility which occurred last week. Trans people are not visible enough. I mean who notices a 6’ 3” 200-pound woman with lime green hair and a beard? Why, like, I’ve never seen a rainbow flag at a Starbucks, much less a dress wearing man with boobs pouring me my morning 4,000 calorie Frappuccino. Homicidal maniacs who write anger filled manifestos and then go shoot school children don’t get the visibility they deserve. We’re here, we’re queer and we have no fear!
I’m sorry I keep going off on tangents. My Adderall doesn’t seem to be working very well. I only take 100 milligrams/day. I think my mental concentration would be enhanced if it wasn’t for Donald Trump. Everything bad that’s ever happened to me over the past 45 years is his fault! I’m going to up my daily dosages of Xanax, Lithium, Prozac and Wellbutrin. I’m president of my local fat positivity chapter. My old Anthropology professor once told me that being fit, trim, healthy and happy are colonizer concepts. Wasn’t that like what the Nazis did back in 1776 when they bombed Pearl Harbor and invaded China? I refuse to play along with colonizer culture and the idea that one has to shower and be well groomed to fit in with all the other Alex P. Keatons who pay their bills on time. Some say this is just giving up, but I’m giving up on fascism! I hate it when slim good-looking people smile and say good morning. That’s emotional terrorism! Damned Christian Nationalists, always being nice and talking about that Mexican guy they worship.
The topic of my article is the importance of screaming angry nonsensical platitudes at people who are productive, happy and well adjusted, but before going there I’d like to express my disdain for America. I had 3 lamps in my apartment that were not working, and today I had to hire a handyman off of Angie’s List to come by and fix them. He mansplained to me that the problem was something called a “light bulb,” no doubt a weapon of the patriarchy to demonize the oppressed. He hurt my feelings and made me feel dumb. I have 2 undergraduate degrees (Lesbian Poetry and Nonsensical Thinking and Performative Rage) and a masters (Lunacy as an Art Form). I had to pay this working-class misogynist, probably a Nazi or a Jew, (same thing really), $150 just so I could have enough light to read the flyer informing me of why I need to be outraged by Elon. That’s more than I make all week, and I’m highly educated! I can barely afford to feed my 7 cats! My NAZI investment banker brother says he’s going to quit paying for my apartment if I don’t get a job. I have a job! I get paid $20/hour to protest 5 hours/week! I hate my brother because he abuses me by paying my rent, and he voted for Hitler in the last election. Despite his so-called expertise in finance, he’s like never heard of Modern Monetary Theory. Typical of the American bourgeoisie, he thinks people should work to make a living. He’s a bully. If I had one of those colonizer jobs, I wouldn’t be able to protest on behalf of the poor Paleontologists in Israel being abused by the Jews. They deserve their own homeland. From the River That I See! I love that chant!
Back to the main thrust of my argument, I believe love is love, science is real, and no humans are illegal. That’s why I protest, vandalize property and spray urine on police officers. Settled science says there are 167 genders, maybe 168 if scientists at Berkeley certify the new Cory Booker gender. Those that don’t agree with me are illegal subhuman vermin who should be exterminated.
I like also believe pets should have the right to vote, but MAGA folks are cruel to animals, like that time they put that monkey on trial during the Scopes case. I have a Ukrainian flag imprinted on my face mask. If Putin is not stopped in Ukraine, he will just roll his army into neighboring Argentina and Brazil.
Mean people suck. Donald Trump always tries to get his way. That’s wrong and selfish. He should be nice to people. If…you know…., like…. look at history, nothing worthwhile was ever accomplished by a strong principled leader fighting for a noble cause. All this does is hurt people’s feelings and drives people to take more SSRI drugs. For example, look at Winston Churchill. He was a so-called strong leader, but when those illegal immigrants from Spain tried to live peacefully in England, he sunk the whole Spanish Armada. That was mean. He hurt a lot of people’s feelings.
Hold on, I have to run to the drug store and get my newest prescription. It’s called VERITAS-ICAN. I’m not sure what it does, but people say it’s a good remedy for what ails me.
OK, I took my pills and I’m back. Wow, I feel different, like I haven’t in years……..
In conclusion, I was at the HAND’S OFF rally Saturday because I’m mentally unstable, unhinged, unhappy and hate everyone happier and more successful than I am. Rather than working on my own issues (which are enormous), I need to deflect and assuage my pain by blaming Donald Trump for all the horrible mistakes I’ve made during my life. It makes me feel better about myself to spend my Saturday virtue signaling and chanting silly non-sensical platitudes totally divorced from any semblance of rational thought. I’ve been Saul Alinsky radicalized by the deep state swamp. It is horrified. Elon has exposed its criminality and corruption, all funded by huge government debt. Without this money, which supports a massive class of elitists who produce nothing of value, their power, which is their life’s elixir evaporates into the ether.
I am a vacuous, useful idiot being used by the left wing kleptocracy. That’s why I protest.
