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It’s Well Past Time We Stand Up to the Birkenstock Crowd

It’s Well Past Time We Stand Up to the Birkenstock Crowd


I came home one day, and my boy Coleman and his pal Adam were downstairs in the basement playing the Madden football video game. I could hear them dissing each other and whupping it up like a bunch of wild Indians. To my alarm, I saw a pair of Birkenstocks in the hallway. Either Coleman’s mother bought these for Coleman (cause for an immediate divorce) or they belonged to Adam. It really didn’t matter. I grabbed a rubber glove and picked them up (I didn’t want to touch these symbols of leftist lunacy), carried them downstairs, held them up for the boys to see and said: “I don’t care who these belong to, neither one of y’all are ever going to wear this hippy sh#t and become some whiny, pasty white, granola eating, lazy f#ck, dope smoking lard ass.” I then made the boys come outside and ceremoniously threw the footwear on the gas-powered grill in a dazzling display of pyromantics. Folks, this is what leadership is all about. Taking a stand.

Then there was the time I was coaching youth soccer. It was that perfect time of the year, a sunny, crisp autumn day right in the middle of the Major League baseball playoffs and college football. Oh, what a joyful time! I pulled a foot long $20 cigar from my humidor and was enjoying every puff as I ran the kids through drills. Suddenly, I hear a shrill voice. It was little Taylor’s Birkenstock wearing mother, upset because I was smoking in front of the children. As she was about to melt and in an unhinged staccato rhythm, she squeaked: “Rob, you are smoking in front of the children, don’t you know that tobacco kills people.” I calmly walked over to the sideline and asked Taylor to come with me. I took a long draw from a flavorful mixture of rich Dominican tobacco wrapped in a spicy maduro wrapper, leaned over and down and exhaled a giant cloud of smoke all over Taylor. I then asked Miss Hysterical to check Taylor’s pulse, and when she did, I said “looks like she’s still living.” Taylor laughed and ran back on the field with the lifelong knowledge that her “Karen” mother was a first-degree fruitcake. Once again, leadership!

There’s a great country song by Aaron Tippin where he sings “You have to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” It shouldn’t take much brain power to recognize that my smoking a cigar was not going to kill all the children on the soccer field. Nor was 7-year-old Taylor going to rush down to Ye Ole Virginia Tobacco Shop and buy a $20 cigar to emulate her beloved coach, develop a lifelong cigar smoking habit and then die from cancer. Her mother, some sort of academic at a local university is a freak, and part of a cabal of similar freaks who love to live in fear about nothing. Academia is a safe haven for them because nobody will tell them they are a gaggle of useless morons. In order to give themselves self-worth and to assuage their anxieties, they fabricate crises and start crusades to solve the manufactured crisis they just created. Today’s faddish fear is so called “climate change.” While the Birkenstockers bloviate non-sensical platitudes about saving the world, they never get around to saving themselves from their own mental illness. What irony, they can’t save themselves, but somehow suffer under the delusion that they can magically save the world by changing the weather. In addition to being homely looking, almost all the adherents to this mob of Malthusian misfits wear Birkenstocks.

If you have followed any of my recent articles you likely know I have been having a great deal of fun exposing the leftist lunacy at the University of Richmond. See www.urwoke.net. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. If I were blind folded, shooting with my left hand, 100 yards away, after having drunk 6 bottles of MD 20 20, it would still be ridiculously easy. Recently, we have exposed Dr. Mary Finley-Brook. The University of Richmond is emblematic of not just the cultural rot in academia, but it also prominently displays the low wattage brain power at America’s universities. There are not enough amps running to Finley-Brook’s brain to run the refrigerator light. She says it is a fact that 2 million people in Hampton Roads, Virginia will be underwater in 5 years, and “we” need to start building new cities right away to house all the “climate migrants.” Notice the word “we.” Most academics don’t know how to change a light bulb, but Dr. Finley-Brook who has likely never swung a hammer or sawed a 2x 4 thinks that she and the rest of the Birkenstock crowd can just wave a magic wand and new cities will pop up out of the ground in willing obedience to their wishes. None of these academics have ever created or manufactured any product or service that serves humanity, yet they feel morally justified in destroying hundreds of thousands of products that do serve humanity that people voluntarily buy. These academics live in a fantasy land and belong in mental wards, not university classrooms. Here are our recent exposes on Miss Finley-Brook.




Mad King Ludwig was crazy. So was Robespierre, Papa Doc, Lenin, Mao, Idi Amin and Jeffrey Dahmer, and so are these climate alarmists! They are arguably more dangerous. Suppose some university department head stated that “we” need to kill 90% of the population of the world and those that survive have to live in state managed labor camps and be fed bugs. Would you agree that this person was a dangerous nut job? Well folks this is the net effect of their belief system.

Professor Finley-Brook calls for the immediate end of fossil fuels. This includes of course all petroleum products which are in thousands upon thousands of everyday products. If these people had their way, the world as we know it would stop. It would be Hiroshima and Nagasaki times 1,000. Without fossil fuels there would be no food, no electricity, no clean water, no health care, no building materials, no nothing. It would be a stone-age existence and billions of people would soon be dead. Lenin, Stalin and Mao only killed 100 million people. Those that might survive this holocaust would live in a Fred Flintstone caveman world. Speaking of caves, Professor Finley-Brook advocates that you to live in one. She calls it sustainable design, building into the earth. That’s libspeak for a “cave.”

Finley-Brook wants to take away my eastern North Carolina, vinegar based barbeque because pigs fart. If she and her fellow nut jobs get their way and all hogs are killed off, who do you think will be their next target? Hint: People fart too.

The Birkenstockers have all drunk the Jim Jones punch distributed by the likes of Klaus Schwab of the World Economic Forum who tells us proles that “we will own nothing and be happy.” The dude is just like Mike Meyer’s character Dr. Evil in The Spy Who Shagged Me, though I doubt Klaus has ever shagged anyone, because to Klaus, all things that are fun, like fornication are strictly VERBOTEN. Speaking of not having fun, the Birkenstock crowd advocates for “C-40 Cities,” a central planning concept where you dear reader are to be rounded up and placed in a futuristic city where you will not be allowed to eat meat or dairy products and will only be allowed to buy one change of clothes a year. Of course, you will not be allowed to own a car or travel. This Leftist pipe dream of a techno-feudal surveillance state is just a Potemkin Village. It won’t be that nice. Without property ownership and capital investment, no new cities of course will be built as all wealth will be extinguished. But giant gulags with barb wire fences accomplish the same goals: to make you a slave under the fiction that you are helping to save the earth.

In New York City, Mayor Adams (IQ below freezing) has initiated a new program to save us from food. That’s right, food is a danger to the world. According to Hizzonner, food is the third most harmful substance in Gotham because it puts out emissions and thus the Empire State Building will soon be underwater. According to Mayor Adams who seems to have trouble reading two syllable words off the teleprompter, not all food is created equal (be careful, that pickle they gave you at Katz’ Deli might cause the asphalt to melt on Park Avenue). Thus, he and all of the other deep thinkers in NYC government are going to tell New Yorkers what they can eat. They are starting with the New York public school system. The same brain-dead government that killed thousands during Covid is going to make similar health decisions for your children. No pizza or milk. You will eat crushed houseflies and cockroaches washed down with East River mineral water! And you will be happy!

Folks, it’s time to listen to Aaron Tippin and stand up to the Birkenstock crowd and tell them to their face that they are fu#king insane.

It’s time to burn the Birkenstocks!

Part II will explain how the misallocation of capital to fight this non-existent problem is as damaging as a world war.

Rob Smith

Rob Smith is a lawyer and Managing Director of Chartwell Capital in Richmond, Virginia. He is mean as a snake and likes to kick little puppies when he see them. He also enjoys making children cry and tripping old ladies. He is extremely superficial and shallow. His favorite pastimes/hobbies are pissing people off, littering and being obnoxious.

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