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Earl of Salisbury, Robert Cecil

Earl of Salisbury

Once upon a time, there was a dangerous group of religious zealots who lived in England. This radical right group was filled with hate and persecuted all those around them. These hypocritical nut jobs wanted to separate from the rest of society. In 1607,  on a campaign stop in San Francisco, Robert Cecil, the Earl of Salisbury and minister to the Crown stated, “it is not surprising that they get bitter and cling to their guns or religion or antipathy to other people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Pilgrims were far right nut jobs

THE FIRST PILGRIMS Darryl, Darryl and Darryl

These wackos believed the silly superstitions and archaic myths in the Christian bible and were such hillbilly rubes  that  they believed they could do a better job educating their children than the state supported school monopoly. Moreover, they resisted paying their tithes to the state supported church. Incredibly, these ignoramuses actually thought that they should be able to keep their own money as opposed to giving their money to the Archbishop of Canterbury, a wise and educated man who of course was much better equipped to spend their money than they were. Moreover, in the name of “family values,”  these bumpkins held medieval ideas such as fidelity in marriage and sexual abstinence  for 13 year olds, all designed of course  to oppress and enslave women.

PC Diversity means no dissent

Gov. William Bradford

Thankfully, there were wise “diversity” laws in England that prevented people from disagreeing with the government and those that did were sent to re-education camp in the Tower of London. Before being rounded up, these troublemakers left the country and settled in the Netherlands in 1608.  Their leader William “Jerry Falwell” Bradford was a domestic terrorist. However, being the xenophobic rubes that they were, Bradford and his cult soon became disenchanted with the “licentiousness” of the Dutch. Being uneducated and simple, Bradford’s cult could not discern the enlightened wisdom associated with Amsterdam’s liberal prostitution and drug culture, much less the good sense it made to give free needles to heroin users.

Rupert Murdoch and Koch Brothers

Rupert Murdoch and the Koch Brothers

After 12 years of living amongst the enlightened Dutch, Bradford and his ninnies decided to leave for America in 1620, but they did not have the money for the trip. Thus, they  engaged in a crass capitalistic scheme by “hooking up” with the Virginia Company, an evil profit making venture backed by Rupert Murdoch and the Koch Brothers. 102  “pilgrims” boarded the Mayflower to America on a mission to cause ecological damage to the Earth and to commit genocide against the much smarter and noble natives who had the good sense to reject all commercialism and thus ran around naked, freezing to death in wintry Massachusetts. These natives, who had no written language, could not forge metal,  had not yet invented the wheel and smelled really badly, were nevertheless much, much smarter than the English settlers who had just crossed 3,000 miles of ocean. ( Having a callous disregard for the Earth, it is now known that the Pilgrims on the Mayflower did not recycle and dumped their waste products into the Atlantic Ocean!!!).

Miles and Priscilla Standish

Miles Standish and Priscilla Alden Descending From Mayflower

Recognizing that the natives were smarter, better educated and more cultured than the hayseed Pilgrims, their leader and Ayatollah, the militant warlord, Captain Miles Standish came up with a cunning plan. Standish would not commit genocide against the natives until he could use them by allowing the good natured blokes to reveal  all the secrets of the universe to the Visigoth Pilgrims. While Standish engaged in lewd sexual acts with his trollop, Priscilla “Eva Braun” Alden, the good natured natives planted and harvested a bounty crop using organic and green farming methods.  The gluttonous English ate all of the food and then in their superstitious and boorish manner, gave thanks to their “lamo” Christian god, with no acknowledgement or thanks to the Earth for its caring for the Pilgrims.

Squanto's great, great grandson

Squanto’s G, G, G, Great Grandson

After dinner, the Pilgrims killed all the good people and eviscerated all elements of their culture which was much superior and advanced than that of the English. It is now known that the natives (the good people), had a very low carbon foot print as their method of living in squalor, disease and constant starvation was very good for the Earth. Had their culture survived, there is a high degree of likelihood that America today would not have been burdened with wealth, prosperity and technological advancement and of course the world would be a much better place. Today, the only known remnants of this lost and idealized culture are found in small pockets of major American cities, where Occupy Wall Street  and Antifa protesters are known to smell as bad as Squanto and Samoset and disavow all modern conveniences, such as toilets, education and soap.

And this is why we should all hate America…….

Rob Smith

Rob Smith is a lawyer and Managing Director of Chartwell Capital in Richmond, Virginia. He is mean as a snake and likes to kick little puppies when he see them. He also enjoys making children cry and tripping old ladies. He is extremely superficial and shallow. His favorite pastimes/hobbies are pissing people off, littering and being obnoxious.

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