All of the other justices graduated in the top of their class from tony Ivy League law schools. I graduated  from the University of Richmond while working  a 40 hour/week job hustling pool at very un-tony locales.  I was not Summa CumLaude, but I still hold one academic record that has not been broken:  missing the most classes and still graduating.

My Religion Is Under-represented

All of the other justices are Catholic or Jewish.  As a regular attendee of the First Pentecostal  Evangelical Temple of Joy, imagine how I could liven up the opening prayer by introducing a little snake throwing and strychnine poison drinking?

Pretty in Pink? NAW….

I am a Southerner, all the other justices are heathens. Would it not be beneficial for the other justices to learn some manners? And what about those dark robes? A little southern flair for bright colors couldn’t hurt. I think a coral or pink colored robe would pretty up Ruth Bader Ginsberg  a bit ( not an easy task) and perhaps make her less angry.

Dad and I

Except for Justice Thomas, there are no black folks on the Court. As Barry White’s illegitimate love child, I would up the soul factor on the Court. If the music in the elevators going up to the big court room were playing “ Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe,“all the litigants would settle their cases; peace and love would prevail throughout the land.

Exact Spot Where Clem Did His Bizness

Who better to be empathetic and protect the rights of individuals from the police, than a guy who has been in the underbelly of our criminal justice system?  Do you think that tight ass prig Justice Roberts ever spent the night in an Amherst County jail? What about Nantucket, Chapel Hill, Charlottesville or Athens, Georgia? Well, I have. Has Elena Kagan  ever had to run from the cops merely for trying to pick up girls in the  dorm at Longwood College?, oops, scratch that, distinct possibility there. None of these other justices know what it is like to be “shot at,” handcuffed or had to watch a guy name Clem do his business on the toilet while breakfast was being served ( thank you Amherst County).

The last case we won, we flipped off the prosecution.

Have you met my boy, Coleman Smith. He went to Ole Miss and was also in the Army. I have been his lawyer for a dozen years. Bar fights, breaking stuff, flipping the cops the bird, you name it. He has a clean criminal record. They haven’t been able to make anything stick despite his 111 arrests. I came up with the novel “Smith DNA Defense.” The boy can’t help it. This legal strategy is now taught in law schools across the country. I’m also good at closing argument rhymes. I gave Johnnie Cochran the “if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit” line.  But here are a couple more:  “just because he shot her full of lead, doesn’t mean he wanted her dead,” and ” Judge, have you seen the jugs on her, I think you should demur.”

Distinguished Scholar

Finally, if one is going to be a Supreme Court Justice, one has to look the part. It’s important to have gravitas and a sober, distinguished look about you. As the recent picture to the left indicates, I have these qualities in spades. In fact, complete strangers often come up to me and say “are you a Supreme Court justice?” It happens all the time. I also know a lot of catchy Latin phrases that my father Barry White taught me like: “omecay veroay erehay ndaay aketay ffoay ouryay razzerbay.” Wait,….my bad, that’s Pig Latin. Well, you get the point. I got it going on. For America’s sake, call the White House !!!