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The Spoonbread Test

I think the Commonwealth of Virginia should have its own immigration policy. The fact that Virginia is now a “purple state” pains me and it is all the fault of that sprawling cultural wasteland, devoid of any character or redeeming qualities: Northern Virginia.  I like the “old” Virginia: good bourbon,  fast horses, the smell of box woods outside of an old country church, ham biscuits, shooting canvasbacks over corn (not that I ever did that) and polite people who would never beep their  horn at you. 

 I hate Northern Virginia! Now “hate” is a strong word, it ain’t very Christian. My dear Mother, bless her soul, would wash my and my brothers’ mouths out with soap if we uttered that word. Well Mom, “bring it,” because I still hate that God awful place. Now I know how the Israelis feel having the Palestinian Authority bordering them to the north. Like the Palestinians, Nova-ites have denuded the country side and are always causing trouble, especially when they go to the polls to vote.  They have a nomadic cultural heritage and they name their children strange names like: Brittany, Dylan and Nicole. Their  idea of  architecture and aesthetics, well let’s just say, I’d rather live in Leningrad circa 1944. Lethargic dullards, all suckling off the federal teat and all casting their votes to perpetuate Leviathan and their own vanilla existence. Most don’t even own a gun and almost assuredly put ginger ale in their whiskey ( a horrible sin).


Now thats a real dog

I have always thought of Virginians as kind of a separate ethnic group, and as such, I think we have been displaced from our homeland, and we have the right to take it back. Nova-ites should be repatriated north of the Potomac. They will be allowed to keep their Prius’s and double breasted  sports jackets. If allowed to stay, perhaps they could be sterilized. Those that show promise could be sent to re-education camps where they could learn to smile and perhaps one day, to do something useful, like smoke barbecue. We could send them to forced labor camps, but really, how much labor can we expect to get out of a federal bureaucrat? Once the countryside is cleansed, the Commonwealth’s new immigration policy would be strictly enforced. If the emigre knows what spoonbread is and has a good recipe, we let him in. If  the applicant has a snot nosed kid who says “what” when you ask him a question, instead of “Sir,” you grab the little bugger and throw him off a cliff into the Potomac. A family with a good bird dog who can flush quail might get in, but families with little yappy dogs are automatically disqualified. Naturally, hot looking babes make the cut. 

Of course, there might be a few timid souls in the General Assembly who resist my plan. If so, then I propose another idea. Anyone convicted of a Class 1 Misdemeanor would be punished by having to live in Fairfax County. Crime below the Rappahannock would plummet,  and we could close all the prisons.  Once again, thinking out of the box, the epitome of moderation and reason, I am ROB and I am always RIGHT!!!

Rob Smith

Rob Smith is a lawyer and Managing Director of Chartwell Capital in Richmond, Virginia. He is mean as a snake and likes to kick little puppies when he see them. He also enjoys making children cry and tripping old ladies. He is extremely superficial and shallow. His favorite pastimes/hobbies are pissing people off, littering and being obnoxious.

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  1. Will Head November 5, 2016

    Love it!


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