I like the beach. Looking to swap houses for the rest of the summer for ocean front property in Malibu, La Jolla or Nantucket. Spend the summer in Richmond, Virginia, formerly known as the Most Historic City in America. Now, thanks to our enlightened mayor, we have a new catchy marketing phrase: “RICHMOND, VIRGINIA, SH-THOLE ON THE JAMES! My formerly historic home is located in the heart of the formerly historic Fan District, formerly nationally recognized as the best neighborhood in America.

Within blocks of this property, you can see burnt out buildings, boarded up art galleries and restaurants and formerly historic buildings defaced with graffiti! Moreover, there is plenty of live entertainment. On a nightly basis, stroll the neighborhood and witness looting, assault, battery, destruction of property and political insurrection. Visit our new zoo, formerly known as Lee Circle, where one can witness black clad college educated kids defacating in public! You need to witness these animals this summer before the effects of Social Dawinism make them extinct.

And what a great place for kids!! Stroll down the formerly bourgeois, now woke, Monument Avenue, and take the lil tykes on the new walking tour: “The Etymology of F-ck.” Witness the thousands of F words plastered all over formerly historic properties. You will love exposing your kids to such high brow culture!

My Malibu Beach House

Perhaps the most attractive aspect of spending the rest of your summer in Richmond is if you get attacked, raped, beat up or have your property looted and vandalized, the police will not harass and torment you by inquiring about the crime. In fact, they won’t bother you at all!

So please, email me pics of your Malibu beach house! (Btw, my house comes with a black cat with a posh British accent, very knowledgeable about world affairs, pictured below).

My Cat, Margaret Thatcher